Today the task is to record a conversation with an inanimate object – so here goes …
LAPTOP; Huh – you took your time coming to me today.
ME: For goodness sake – it`s Christmas Eve and I have other things to do. On top of that George didn`t feel too good this morning and I had to go to the chemist to collect my prescription, clear up the kitchen after I cooked the delicious duck (shhh – Goosey might overhear that) continuing sotto voce er, cooked the delicious duck, fight my way through the throng at the supermarket, get the lunch, prepare tonight`s dinner. As my mother would say assuming hard-done-by voice `I`ve only got one pair of hands!`
LAPTOP: That`s all very well but you ought to try being shut up in that stuffy case for hours at an end – it smells! There are societies for the Protection of Children, Cats, Dogs and Donkeys and rules and laws governing their treatment. I`m going to start a similar society for the Protection of Laptops.
ME: Don`t talk rubbish. I`ve just spent a mint protecting you from spam and viruses – you get that treatment every year to keep you healthy and it doesn`t hurt like the needle that George and I have to endure each year to protect us from the `flu.
And didn`t I take you to the medic immediately when your hard disk failed? Now why did you have to go and do a thing like that? I could have lost a lot of valuable stuff.
LAPTOP: sneering The hard disk failure was just to remind you that you need to back up regularly. I don`t have many needs – just the odd wipe or two, the occasional download and external drive connected. I serve you very well on the whole.
ME: What about the times that you just send stuff off into the ether? Like just now for instance? I was busily typing away and the whole screen disappeared. It`s just as well that WordPress saves my work from time to time otherwise I would have lost all this recorded conversation and had to start again.
LAPTOP; That again, is your fault assuming a supercilious sneer
ME; Why my fault? I didn`t do anything – you just get fed up and toss the stuff off the screen – mostly never to be seen again. When I first went on WordPress I nearly gave up because of this.
LAPTOP; The whole trouble is that you type too fast – I have a job keeping up. Your old computer told me how he suffered from your constant pounding – you trained typists are all the same – pound, pound, pound – it makes my keys really ache and I have to get rid of you the only way I know how just to give myself a break.
ME: Hah! So first of all you moan because I leave you in your case too long and then you start to grumble because your keys hurt. Make up your mind! Perhaps you would like to know that I have been looking at iPads and Notebooks or even a fancy-phone … beware my friend and tread carefully … you are becoming redundant you know. I remember the days when I first trained on a computer 30+ years ago. Do you know that its hard-drive was the size of a washing machine and it had to have a specially ventilated room all to itself? That, at the end of a day`s work, it had to have over 30 minutes all to itself – shut-down time – when it printed out all kinds of computerese gibberish. So over the years you and your kind have reinvented themselves, slimmed down, modified, improved (?), become more user-friendly and gradually crept into nearly every place in the world. Made yourselves indispensable in fact. But my friend you, too, are becoming obsolete.
LAPTOP: Ouch! That really hurt. Don`t you like my shiny silver case? My user-friendly keyboard?
My lightweight? Try getting your old Winchester hard drive into my black carrycase – try taking that on the aeroplane!
Do I complain when you wake me up in the early hours of the morning `cos you can`t sleep? No! I am a faithful friend and try to serve you well.
ME; Yes, I admit you have your good points and, to be truthful, I am very fond of you. You keep me in touch with my friends and family, you guard my artwork, you encourage me to write …
LAPTOP: talking of writing – what about that novel you started? I`m still holding onto the first couple of chapters you know.
ME; Er, yes. Well as I said at the beginning – it is nearly Christmas and I have rather a lot to do …